Ah, December. It's almost Christmas! Though I may say in every blogpost that I would try and publish blogposts as frequent as before, I just couldn't. Life has its own ups and downs, and I am no exception in experience such roller coaster ride. A vlog, by Anabelle known as Catcreature by many opened up my eyes in what they call "Seasonal Depression" or otherwise known as Seasonal Affective Disorder. It involves the changes of one's mood due to some changes of the season and so as the environment. If you would like to watch Anabelle's vlog, you can click here and also, if you would like to know more about SAD, click here. 

I have watched the vlog weeks ago but I just thought about "Seasonal Depression" just earlier and decided to check it out online. I cannot tell myself that I am having one as I am not a professional in the said field and also, I am still in college. Upon reading articles, looking for youtube videos, I can address that I am experiencing something bad. So I decided to write a post for me to have a platform where I can vent out because I am not very good at opening at other people whom I have close connection with because I don't wanna feel like a burden. Allow me to vent out my burdens about myself in this post as I cannot stand just laying here in my room thinking where did it go wrong.

During this time last year, I was not in a good state. I was going through a tough time which I was not expecting for it to happen. It broke me into pieces and I guess a little part of me still has that feeling of loneliness and sadness that I have felt last year. My life last year and this year is completely opposite. I have a great companions now and so as my relationship with other people. This time, I should've enjoy and have fun since its the holidays but something really felt like it's missing. I tried drawing, -and I intentionally use the biggest watercolor paper I owned for me to feel like I drew for myself this large, not for other people but sadly, I did not finish the project. I only sketched, and painted 3/4 of the hair and suddenly felt like its not going anywhere so I just stopped. Watched a series I've been wanting to finish yet I stopped. I wasn't able to journal these days because I just feel so low and unmotivated to do things I really enjoy doing. Maybe last year left a huge hole in my heart that even now, with everything I have that I am truly grateful for, it kept on haunting me. 

Or maybe as the season changes, so as my mood.

Life has been hard the past months. I entered this year with all negativity, having a hard time adjusting with College, keeping up with my different set of friends and also trying to have that optimistic mindset that everything will fall into places at the right time. In fact, 2019 and 2018 is way too different. Last year I just lost a someone during the holiday season and now, I was gifted someone whom I have a good relationship with. 

But I just can't help it but to feel sad.

I cry for no reason. and thinking about what if's in life.

Just recently I just gained weight and even though I always ramble about me gaining weight, I am extremely happy about it. It shows that I am happy. But now it felt like I am about to lose some fats. Day by day. It is not something I should be proud of because losing weight isn't something I wanted to do or achieve. I am sorry if I burst my bubble like this, expecting such post in relation to the holidays but instead I gave you a piece of cake containing some of my emotional baggage but also, Thank you for allowing me to do so. Nevertheless, I've been writing everything I am grateful for the before I start my day for the past few days and yes! I am trying my best to overcome this so-called-"SAD" or Winter Blues if I really do have one. If you are also going through the same page, we got this together and be reminded of the things you are grateful for!

Seasonal Changes can be exciting and looking forward for such annual event but on the other side, there are things people experience in specific times of the year and also passes through as season changes. With everything we have been going on through, I still wish you Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Thank you for giving such time in reading my post. As someone who struggles in opening up, this truly helped a lot. Let's bounce back together!

Thank you once again, and Merry Christmas! May we have a great time spending the holidays with our loved ones and celebrate the New Year with inner peace.

All the love,

Nadyah Ginice